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Did you see the trailer for this film? Did you guys see it?  Didn’t it look so fricken badass and scary? Yeah………… That’s about as good as this movie gets, sorry guys.  I’m sorry to burst your “little bit of excitement” bubble the trailer just helped form in your head, but this movie is complete and utter, found footage bullshit. The trailer itself was much scarier than the film, and what a shame that 90 minutes was………

My initial reaction to the trailer was, “Wow, the old lady is so creepy, plus the twist with found footage and sleep walking? This movie is gonna be scary as hell!”.  20 minutes later, I manage to find a copy of the film online and delve straight into it, as the trailer had me convinced I would finally find an actual scare in a horror.  I have to admit, the director (Zachary Donohue) did think of some brilliant concepts.  Preying on an actual human degenerative disorder, Donohue attempted to make dementia look absolutely terrifying.  He failed. Literally, on every level. Some of the bits here and there were creepy.  But overall, the film was  typical, predictable, and similar to all the other found footage paranormal films, just with a new twist that didn’t play out as planned.

The storyline is actually quite typical. A student in university, studying something or other (didn’t really care to pay attention), decides to film a documentary on the degeneration of Deborah Logan as dementia sets in and slowly envelopes her into madness, and the strain it puts on the relationship between her and her caregiver daughter.  At first, I liked this idea.  Old people are creepy enough as it is (sorry Grandma), but featuring them mentally decaying through a found footage film just seemed scary on another level.  It definitely helps that Deborah, played by Jill Larson, is extremely frail and decrepit and quite frightening in appearance.  Anyways, she manages to completely submit to dementia and the results are not as scary as I expected from the trailers.  To be honest, I thought most of the scenes were just completely ridiculous and stupid.  I actually found more humor in the the stupidity of the “scary scenes” than I did actual scares.  The taping of the “found footage” wouldn’t be complete without an incompetent camera crew that couldn’t seem to stay out of trouble’s way.  This movie contained every paranormal found footage cliche in the book, which is mainly why I couldn’t take the film seriously. I thought the storyline was dumb as well and overall disappointing.  I barely was able to give this one 2.5/5 stars.  I think its safe for me to say, you can skip this film and take those extra 90 minutes to do something useful with your time (another horror movie, perhaps?).  This movie is not getting a recommendation from me. Anybody beg to differ? Leave your comments below, would love to hear what some of you have to say about this film. Cheers! x

Do you ever feel like you just can’t seem to have enough blood and gore in your films?  Do you often find that you are NOT spending the majority of your horror movie watching time cringing and looking away? Fear no more horror fiends and friends alike.  I have compiled a list of absolute NASTIES.  I myself, found I had to look away more times then I would like to admit with these movies.

Seed

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Where to begin with this movie? Just overall FUCKED. Such a disturbing, psychotic, extreme movie. Lots of blood and merciless brutality on the end of the serial killer.  This one definitely hits you from all angles; messes with your mind, pulls at your heartstrings, puts a pit in your stomach, is disgusting to watch, and even grosser to think about.  Lots of scenes really made my heart beat fast with just how shockingly gross they were.  I would recommend skipping the first 5-7 minutes of the film.  Its seriously just unpleasant nastiness and seems to take away from the film rather than add to it. Please be warned though, this movie does contain some (fake) animal gore.

Cannibal Holocaust

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You’ve got to give this film credit, it was WAY ahead of its time in the horror movie world.  The idea of your plane crashing into the remote part of a jungle with only a cannibalistic tribe as “companions” is terrifying. Fast forward, and there you are deep in the jungles of South America being hunted and captured in order to be fed to this savage tribe.  The movie looks so real, which is what is the most disturbing. The acting is good and the effects are extremely practical, making it pretty believable.   Again, this film also contains animal gore (apparently real), you’ve been warned!

Dead Alive (AKA Braindead)

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This film is a great laugh and not to be taken seriously.  However, that doesn’t take away from just how bloody disgusting it is! This film is as funny as it is gross.  The story line is great and the creative ways in which the characters are murdered and dismembered are just hilarious.  Great mix of humor, guts, and horror.

Human Centipede 2

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Just thinking about this film gives me a bad taste in my mouth.  What a pile of garbage.  At the same time though, if you want to challenge yourself and push your limits of what you think is grotesque, give this one a try.  Such a gross out film, that seemed to be its main purpose.  If you can watch this entire movie without looking away once, congratulations, you have officially “out-gored” me.

Headless

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Rather than go into detail with what this film is about, I figure I’d just have you do the research yourself.  It saves me from one AWKWARD movie review. I will say this though, this has to be one of the most extreme horrors I have ever seen, not for the weak of heart or stomach. Cannibalism is present, which is actually the least offensive thing I found about this movie. Once the pornographic scenes started, things got weird. To say the least. I found myself closing my eyes, plugging my ears, and wishing I was in a different place for about 70% of that film.  That’s a new record, folks. Lots of blood, among other things to see here.

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This movie………………. How can I convince you to watch this movie?……… 3/5 stars; is that enough to sell you? The film comes straight out of New Zealand, and the audience gets the privilege of hearing that beautiful Kiwi accent that I just love so much, now you interested? What if I told you the film took an unusual detour from your normal horror and added a few cheeky elements that actually made me end the film with all the good feels. Now do I have your attention? In its own way, this one is a bit of a cheeky, subtly hidden comedic horror.  The film starts out boring and stupid as all hell, I must admit.  The first 30-45 minutes were completely USELESS, you could actually skip the beginning if you really wanted to.  The director did an absolutely terrible job at laying the foundation for the film.  In the beginning, I found that the characters were quite bland, horrible acting, and just too boring for me to care about.  Enter into the 45-minute mark, and the film slowly starts building.  The movie is about a woman who can’t stop committing crimes and as a result is forced into house arrest in her childhood him with her ever-so-lucky mom and dad.  If you can take my word for how good this film is, please just accept that the first half of the film is a disaster and it gets better. Anyways, as said criminal is on house arrest, she hears lots of weird sounds coming from around the house and immediately suspects a ghost.  Upon exploration, she discovers that her childhood home was once a psych ward for insane and psychotic youth; and grisly murder once took place here, causing the mental institution to be shut down and then resold as a house.  Upon finding this information, she launches her own investigation into the murder of the patient many years ago and begins to uncover some secrets about the house, as well as some of the people in her small town.  At this point in the movie, I can honestly say it stops getting corny and starts getting real.  The flow and suspense-building are pretty on point.  Enter cheeky Kiwi humor and this film is suddenly quite a delight.  The only thing I can compare this to, is sitting on a roller coaster, getting strapped in, and getting propelled forward, only knowing that its going to be one exciting, fun ride from here on out. That’s pretty much how I felt.  The director did a great job at incorporating gore, suspense, humor, and intelligence all at the same time.  Only downfall is that these elements are only present in the second half of the movie, hence why I gave it only 3/5 stars.  If you can deal with my rating, then I would definitely go ahead and recommend this film.  The ending is pretty awesome and really throws your for one, as its as gory as it is funny and cheeky. I love Kiwi culture and their sense of humor.  This movie is a perfect example of what happens when this is successfully combined with an above average horror (again, I suck at selling films that are 3.5 stars or less).  Even though the horror wasn’t the best, I would say definitely check this film out, you’ll get a kick out of it. Let me know your thoughts on this one in the comments, thanks for reading this week’s horror review, hope everyone enjoyed!

Mine Games

Posted: May 19, 2015 in Serial Killers
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mine games

If you’re in the mood for “5 teens head into a remote cabin the woods” type of film, then this could potentially be your film.  Although I only gave the film a measly 2.5/5 stars, it may still be worth a watch if you like this specific sub-genre of horror.  This teen slasher comes pretty standard; characters with little to no personality, drugs, sex, alcohol, bad choices, and of course, murder.  However, this movie is a bit more than just a slasher; in a surprise twist of events, the film turns out to have some supernatural elements included in it as well.  Not exactly a ghost story, but a paranormal film.  At the beginning/middle of the film, it became extremely obvious who the killer was, which made me almost want to switch off the film.  However, enjoying myself on a rare 48-hour weekend, I couldn’t be asked to switch off the film and then start browsing for something else.  I attribute my completion of the film to sheer laziness.  In the end though, I was glad I watched the movie all the way through.  The gore was way below standard and I barely felt any element of surprise.  I wouldn’t even go as far as to say the film was scary.  Luckily, the director seemed to come up with at least a decent idea of how to make this shit movie a bit less shit: have it take place in a creepy mine.  I have to admit, the scenery of the mind was grim.  The only time the movie was eery and had a horror feel to it was during the mine scenes.  Unfortunately, that makes up only about 20% of the movie; so if you can handle a movie that’s 80% bore no gore, then this could possibly be a film for you.  I’m not exactly selling anybody on this, am I? Basically, I only watched this movie because I was in the mood to see a bunch of moronic teens get picked off one by one.  I didn’t have high expectations for the movie, so my substandard expectations were met.  There was a cool surprise twist at the end which is what even made me consider writing this movie review in the first place.  I can’t actually go ahead and recommend this one right off the bat, but like I said, if you’re in the mood for a teen slasher, this one is definitely not your average one.  How do you think this one rates amongst other teen slashers? Leave your answers in the comments!

1. Although I would not consider ‘Antichrist’ to be a horror film, it is an extremely disturbing film that will leave you with a not so fresh taste in your mouth.  Gainsbourg’s character remains unnamed and is simply referred to as ‘she’ or ‘the woman’.  After losing her son tragically, her and her husband decide to retreat into the woods at their cabin known as ‘Eden’.  Gainsbourg begins showing signs of mental instability, and honestly it all goes downhill from Charlotte-Gainsbourg-in-L-001there.  Her therapist husband tries to treat her himself, but she is so far gone, he can’t even FIND the tip of iceberg that is her craziness.  Whatever women’s studies courses she is taking in school have subconsciously brainwashed her into believing women are evil and it is her responsibility to carry out the evil duties.  Not only that, but she believes she is so evil she mutilates her own genitalia (cringe-worthy scene for sure).  William Dafoe, who plays her husband in the movie, discovers little by little that she didn’t lose her mind from the death of their son, but she had been losing her mind prior.  I can’t even express how much I love this movie and how much there will never ever be a character as horrific as Gainsbourg.  As the movie progresses, we learn that she has systematically been “torturing” her toddler and that his death was way more preventable than the viewer originally thought.  Since her toddler first began wearing shoes, Gainsbourg started putting his shoes on the wrong feet in order to stint the bone growth and cause him severe dysfunction in his walking abilities.  Just being able to digest this fact alone, is nauseating. And to think it only gets worse….. We soon discover that Gainsbourg was fully aware that her toddler was able to break free of the child-proof gate she installed in his room.  The icing on top of the cake of insanity, is when we find out that during the sexual intercourse that takes place between her and her husband at the beginning of the movie, she was actually watching her young toddler climb up onto the window sill and plunge 4 stories to his death.  I’ll just give you a moment to take that all in.  Its sexual perversion and family dysfunction all in one.  And that is only half of her small family she tortures.  The other half, her husband, she hunts down as if he is tonight’s dinner.  She is just such an embodiment of pure evil, destroying everything and everyone (including herself) in her path, that she transforms into literally a monster by the end of the film.  Such a seemingly normal family is destroyed by its wife and mother.  This is scariest to me because she appears so normal in the beginning, and its hard to fathom that she has actually had this evil inside of her the whole time.

2. Takashi Miike may be one of my favorite directors out there, with his truly fucked up sense of gore and filth, so it is no surprise one of audition_xxhis characters takes the number 2 spot on my crazy bitch list.  Who could forget angel-faced Asami? At probably only 90 pounds, she looks as harmless as they come.  Her innocence, her openness, and her shyness are what initially fool the viewer as well as her current flame, Shigeharu.  As Asami begins to reveal more about her past and the abuse she suffered, the viewer finally begins to realize that the angel-face is more like the face of Satan.  This becomes the turning point and Asami transforms from poor girl you feel bad for to crazy bitch you only wish you could get away from.  Judging by her methods of brutality and torture, I think its safe to say that she absolutely hates the male species with a passion.  Laughing and giggling, she just can’t get enough of the pain she inflicts on others and her enjoyment in the torture is enough to nauseate the viewer.  Its easy to fall into her “good girl” trap, but rest assured, its not so easy to get out.

3. The character simply known as the daughter in Greek film noir, ‘Singapore Sling’ has earned herself the number 3 spot on my crazy bitch countdown.  Although this movie is not horror, it displays enough horrific acts that I want to slap an NC-17 rating on this baby.  ‘Daughter’ is the spawn of two extremely disturbed individuals who take pleasure in sexual perversion on more levels than I care to elaborate in this short article.  This bitch is ‘no’ on so many levels, I don’t728_singapore-sling even know where to begin.  This chick is just straight crazy, and I think even without having fucked up insane parents, this chick would have been just as psycho.  Fulfilling sexual fantasies with her mother, eating the guts and intestines of victims she has recently murdered, and finding it possible to orgasm while both playing with a gun and vomiting? This bitch never even had a chance.   As an audience, you don’t even know who the daughter truly is, and the daughter can’t seem to get a grasp on who she is either because she is constantly living her life through various memories and characters she has created. She is completely isolated from all social norms and can hardly even function without one of her “role-playing” personalities coming out. As the film runs its course, it becomes apparent that no amount of medication or therapy could ever make this crazy bitch normal.

4. Psychological horrors always seem to introduce you to characters that are just completely off the wall in every single way.  Marie is no marieexception.  As much as I don’t want to give away the ending, I will try to keep this spoiler-free.  Marie is seemingly normal to the audience, the other characters, and even herself.  She goes to spend a weekend with one of her college friends, Alexia, at her family’s home on a quiet farm.  A stunning string of murders in Alexia’s house, her whole family and even her dog, shows her that her and Marie are NOT alone, and they have some unwanted company in the house. *SPOILER ALERT*: Marie is the killer. I bet you didn’t see that coming…… A seemingly normal college girl kills Alexia’s whole family with her split personality in order to get closer to Alexia and have her all to herself.  Its one thing when a bitch is just straight crazy, but then its a whole different (and more horrifying) story when a bitch doesn’t even know she has a second personality, especially one that has a knack for brutally killing.  As the story progresses and Marie’s alter-ego comes out to play, you see what a creepy love-struck individual she really is.  My favorite part is the ending of the movie, when Marie finally admits her love for Alexia.  In a haunting fashion, she declares that she will never let her go.  The last scene, where Marie is in a psychiatric hospital with Alexia watching through the one-way mirror, is definitely the most eerie scene in the movie.  I may have already spoiled this movie enough, but its not til you get to the end of the film, in that last scene, where you really realize what a nutcase Marie is.
lucie5. For the fifth crazy bitch in my “Craziest bitches in horror” countdown, I have chosen Lucie from French splatterific masterpiece, “Martyrs”.  As the survivor of severe psychological, emotional, and physical abuse as a child, Lucie obviously had no chance of any type of normal adulthood, especially considering she spent the rest of her childhood in an orphanage after escaping her abusers.  She is still haunted by images and memories of her abuse and that eventually drives her to complete madness.  The hallucinations she experiences push her to insanity and she realizes she must kill her abusers.  The moment she decided to get revenge on her abusers was the moment that this bitch completely LOST IT.  I mean, here she is with a gun, brutally shooting up an entire family, all while her hallucinations are as vivid as ever.  Finally, she just reaches her breaking point and slits her own throat in front of her best friend.  Judging by the rest of the movie, it is heart wrenching to even think about what Lucie must have had to endure as a child and it becomes obvious as to how she lost her mind.

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Maybe something has been in my drinking water lately.  Maybe I am just generally in a better mood than I usually am when watching horror films.  Maybe my prayers for decent, watchable horror movies have finally been answered and slowly but surely, quality horror is making its way on to the big screen.  Either way, I was stunned that I enjoyed The Town That Dreaded Sundown as much as I did and can’t wait to tell you why you will most likely enjoy it as well.  First of all, 4/5 stars, would highly recommend NOT missing this film.  Second of all, bloody and gory sex and violence.  As much as I despise the whole “sex sells” concept, especially when half of a horror film is based around corny sex scenes rather than an actual plot, this movie came up with some creative scenes that definitely delivered a happy ending.  I have to admit, some of the scenes were a little explicit, more than that corny shit you’re used to seeing in horror. I’ll leave it at that.  However, they made for some deliciously twisted kill scenes.  The story itself was decent enough, not too much of a mindfuck.  High school girl survives brutal attack while hooking up with boyfriend in middle of woods.  Small town in the Midwest full of hicks and bible thumpers use hilariously religious cliches to stop pre-marital sex.  Everyone gets laid and then dies in brutal and original kill scenes at the hands of our masked serial killer.  Said high school girl attempts research on the history of infamous boogeyman/ serial killer. Twists and turns occur and we found out who was unexpectedly the killer this whole time.  Like I said, decent yet standard plot.  However, I loved the way it was executed and that it truly was an entertaining and somewhat intelligent scare.  Usually in horror films, I feel like I am trapped watching mildly educated characters get picked off one by one by the serial killer.  Basically, I feel like most serial killer films are just a countdown of stupid characters dying in creative ways until the only remaining character, the one with the intelligence of all the other characters combined, unmasks the killer and defeats him.  Not saying that this movie was any different, but at least I didn’t hate every single character in the movie solely based off of their stupidity.  Each of the characters put up a good fight in their murder scenes and didn’t have that corny bullshit personality that most horror movie characters have.  The kill scenes were surprisingly brutal, I even had to look away a few times because of the blood and absolute heartlessness of the killer.  I would be lying if I said that the ending had some crazy surprise twist to it.  Nothing about the movie was really that much of a thought-stealer or anything you would think about once the movie was over.  I do have to say though, that the movie was very entertaining and fun to watch.  It keeps your attention the whole time and for once, I feel like I don’t have to put up with any corny bullshit.  Actually I lied, the religious cliches are still there, but only contributed to the hilarity and the religious undertones in the film.  I wasn’t necessarily sold on this film right from the beginning,but by the end I was completely satisfied; enough that I wrote this great review and am now encouraging you to watch as well.  As usual, “share your scare” in the comments and let me know what you think of the film!

The Movie & Music Network

Posted: February 4, 2015 in News

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Two years into my “career” as a horror movie junkie with a passion for writing, I am happy to say, someone has decided I am interesting enough to partner with me and help me grow said career.  The Movie and Music Network has contacted me with an exciting opportunity to review the movies on their website.  Obviously, I wouldn’t have accepted this position without giving you guys, my loyal readers, the goods.  If you sign up through me, you can get half off for the first month of using their services.  Here is a bit about what they have to offer, directly from the Director of Communications, Sonia Chopra:

 “A little bit about us – We started about a year ago… we have been called Netflix’s culty and independent step-brother … We have the same business model as the company ($5.99 a month for unlimited streaming) but we cater to a completely different audience, demographic, market , and frankly… we have 0 of their mainstream content. Horror movie enthusiasts can enjoy all we have to offer for the price of a cup of coffee and a scone every month – unlimited streaming of our network via Roku, Android, iOS and online. Currently, we are switching over to Amazon as our web-streaming service, which is very exciting!

 Lastly, we just launched another network – the 99 Cent Network – a movie superstore for people who want to buy bundles of our films to build a library of cinema. They can even share that library for free with a friend too! We have an “Everybody Wins” giveaway going on right now for 3 FREE horror movies – www.99centnetwork.com/promocode for merely going to our site – use Promo Code HORROR1. It’s something fun we have started for the new year, and a cool giveaway to those who come visit our new site.”

Basically, think of the horror movies you’ve never heard of: B-Movies, exploitation films, 1930’s-1960’s horror.  That movie that you have tried to order off Amazon but couldn’t find a single copy of it? Movie and Music Network has it. The movie that you’ve Googled hundreds of times but can’t seem to find a single link to stream it online? This website is full of them.  That weird sexploitation film that you’re too afraid to admit you secretly want to see? Hundreds of them available for you to choose from. Not to mention the other genres it has available.  I would highly recommend this website for die-hard cinema fans, lots of new films to discover and even music to check out.  Let me know what you guys think in the comments! Curious to know everyone’s opinions on the movies they have to offer.

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